Mohamad Shabib
Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) · September 16, 2026
Attached is a book about why some people feel steady in love while others fear being left or feel crowded by closeness. Psychiatrist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller turn adult attachment research into a dating and relationship guide built around three main styles: anxious, avoidant and secure.
This guide is commentary on the book's ideas, research and criticisms, not a stand-in for the book, which you can borrow from a library or find at a bookstore.
It argues that adults bond with partners through the same attachment system that bonds infants to caregivers, so needing closeness is human, not a weakness. Its publisher says it uses questionnaires and tips to help readers identify their own style and a partner's, and that it has sold more than three million copies and been translated into more than forty languages (Penguin Random House).
Anxious, avoidant and secure. The split comes from research: in 1987, Hazan and Shaver proposed that romantic love is an attachment process and translated three infant attachment patterns into adult terms (Hazan and Shaver, 1987, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology). In our own words, a person toward the anxious end wants closeness badly and watches for signs it is slipping away; a person toward the avoidant end guards their independence by keeping even a loved partner at a distance; and a secure person can depend on a partner, and be depended on, without feeling threatened. A questionnaire result is a starting point for reflection, not a diagnosis.
They are the book's names for how anxious people respond when closeness feels under threat and how avoidant people keep closeness at a distance. In a 2011 reader Q&A on their website, the authors framed it as protesting versus suppressing.
When someone high in attachment anxiety senses distance, their alarm can fire. Researchers call the response hyperactivating strategies: intense efforts to regain closeness, such as holding on tightly, trying to control a partner's actions and scanning for signs of rejection (Mikulincer, Shaver and Pereg, 2003, Motivation and Emotion). The book's protest behaviours are attempts to win back a partner's attention or reassurance without stating the need directly, and they can push a partner further away. If you recognize yourself and feel embarrassed, the pattern can be understood as an attempt to protect a bond, not proof that you are too much.
That does not excuse checking a partner's phone, tracking where they are or pressuring them to prove their feelings; those behaviours are worth getting support with. If the fear of losing someone brings thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7), or call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
For someone high in attachment avoidance, the system runs the other way: deactivating strategies keep attachment needs out of awareness and protect distance and self-reliance, for example by playing down how much a partner matters or steering away from conversations about feelings (Mikulincer et al., 2003). We describe their purpose rather than reproducing the book's list.
It is a name popularized by the book for a loop in which one partner's pursuit feeds the other's distancing, which feeds more pursuit. Clinically, the loop belongs to the pair: each partner's move is partly a response to the other's, so casting one person as the avoidant who causes the problem can miss half the pattern. Our pages on anxious attachment and avoidant attachment describe each side.
Partly. The book's protest behaviours and deactivating strategies broadly correspond to the hyperactivating and deactivating strategies described in attachment research. It goes further than the evidence in packaging those findings as a small set of distinct types, questionnaires and advice for sizing up a potential partner.
Researchers describe adult attachment as two continuous dimensions, anxiety and avoidance, with styles as regions rather than boxes (Mikulincer et al., 2003). A 2015 analysis of two samples found that adult attachment fit a dimensional model better than a categorical one, in general and within specific relationships such as with parents and peers (Fraley, Hudson, Heffernan and Segal, 2015, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology). Two people with the same questionnaire result can sit in quite different places; our article on whether attachment styles are real goes further.
Slate notes that Attached offered a questionnaire for working out a partner's style, while Levine's 2026 follow-up, Secure, warns against jumping to conclusions about attachment style (Juzwiak, Slate, 2026). A few dates give little to go on: a new partner's pace may reflect their schedule, history, faith, family expectations about courtship or ordinary uncertainty, and an anxious reader's early read may not be reliable.
In The Irish Times, Roe McDermott, who credits Attached with popularizing attachment styles in romance, drew on psychologist Sean O'Connell and relationship coach Stephanie Rigg to criticize how social media uses the labels: treating them as fixed, diagnosing partners from a distance and casting avoidant people as narcissistic (McDermott, 2023). The piece also cites research showing attachment can differ across friendships, work and romance. These criticisms target online use of the labels, not the book's text.
It can read that way, and Levine has since said avoidant people get an unfair reputation; Slate presents his follow-up, Secure, as correcting some misunderstandings readers took from Attached (Juzwiak, 2026). In research terms, avoidance is a way of managing closeness, not a verdict on character: an avoidant person can care deeply and still find closeness hard.
When a partner controls, threatens, isolates or hurts you, or uses silence or withdrawal to punish or frighten you. Neither an anxious nor an avoidant pattern is abuse, and neither label excuses it.
If that is happening, your safety comes first: call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7) if you are in crisis, or call 911 if you are in immediate danger. sheltersafe.ca can help you find shelters, help lines and safety-planning information, and victim services can point men and people in same-sex relationships to support too. If someone monitors your devices, read this on one they cannot access. Our guide to Why Does He Do That? lists family violence lines for each province TEO serves.
At TEO, Rola Shbib, Registered Social Worker, RSW (Ontario), works with people recovering from abusive relationships; TEO does not provide domestic violence advocacy, partner-abuse intervention programs or legal advice. If you are worried about your own behaviour toward a partner, that is a legitimate reason to seek help too.
Research suggests it can shift, though no one can promise how or when. A study pooling three long-running samples covering ages thirteen to seventy-two, six hundred and twenty-eight people in total, found attachment anxiety declined with age and avoidance decreased steadily; being in a relationship was associated with lower levels of both (Chopik, Edelstein and Grimm, 2019, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology). These are averages and associations: they do not show that relationships cause change, that single people are less secure, or that anyone should enter or stay in a relationship to become more secure.
Not as a blanket rule. If your needs are dismissed each time you state them clearly, take that seriously, but screening people out by style alone overlooks evidence that insecurity can shift. More useful questions are whether you feel safe and respected, and whether you can both name the cycle and want to work on it. You cannot make someone else change, and research averages cannot tell you whether a particular partner will; your needs count either way.
It names it but does not focus on it. In the same 2011 Q&A, the authors said one reason was that the research they drew on focused mainly on three styles, and advised readers who use both strategies to learn about both styles and, in the long run, work toward becoming more secure. In the two-dimension model, fearful-avoidant means high on both anxiety and avoidance; that adult term is related to, but not the same as, disorganized attachment from infant research, which our page on disorganized attachment explores.
Therapy is a place to work with patterns as they show up in your real relationships. Our page on attachment-based therapy explains TEO's approach, and this work can happen in individual sessions without a partner.
Mohamad Shabib, MACP, CCC, a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario (CRPO), works online with clients in British Columbia, Ontario, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland and Labrador, in English or Arabic, and is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS) Levels 1 and 2 and the Gottman Method Levels 1 and 2. Alison Shaji, MA, RCC #22608 (BCACC), works with clients in British Columbia only, in English, Hindi or Malayalam, and is trained in the Gottman Method Levels 1 and 2 and Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), a family model.
For couples caught in a pursue-and-withdraw cycle, Mohamad (all six provinces) and Alison (British Columbia clients only) offer relationship counselling using the Gottman Method. TEO does not offer couples Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a different model from EFFT and the one behind Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight. If one partner is afraid of the other, or there is violence or control in the relationship, couples counselling is not the right first step: individual support and specialist services come first, and if you are in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7), or call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
Individual sessions are $150 per 60 minutes and couples sessions $175 per 60 minutes, with no referral needed. The first step is a free 15-minute consultation by video or a scheduled phone call, booked online.
It may suit you if you want a readable introduction to adult attachment or to terms a partner or friend keeps using. Its framing centres on dating, but the ideas can also apply within a marriage, including one that began through a family introduction, and with parents, siblings and friends. Consider reading it with a therapist's support if:
As plain language for why closeness can feel so loaded, it is a reasonable place to start, with three caveats: its types simplify research that measures attachment on two dimensions, its dating framing can turn it into a screening tool, and its labels can harden into identities. Reading it is not a treatment or a substitute for an assessment by a qualified professional.
This guide is commentary, written to help you decide whether Attached is for you. It is not a substitute for reading the book, and it is not a substitute for professional help. If you would like to talk through a pattern you recognized here, book a free consultation online, or text (519) 760-5211 with a question first. This text line is not a crisis service.
Criticisms include that it sorts people into a small set of types when research measures adult attachment on two continuous dimensions (anxiety and avoidance), that it encourages judging a new partner's style early, and that its labels can harden into fixed identities or armchair diagnoses of partners. Part of that last criticism targets how the book's vocabulary is used on social media rather than the book's text, and Amir Levine has since said avoidant people get an unfair reputation.
Partly. Its ideas come from the self-report research on romantic attachment that began with Hazan and Shaver's 1987 studies, and its protest behaviours and deactivating strategies broadly correspond to strategies described in that literature. It simplifies the evidence by presenting distinct types and questionnaires, while a 2015 analysis found adult attachment fits a dimensional model better than a categorical one.
It is a name popularized by the book for a loop in which one partner's pursuit of closeness feeds the other's distancing, and that distance then feeds more pursuit. The loop belongs to the pair rather than to one person, since each partner's move is partly a response to the other's.
Research suggests it can shift. A study that pooled three long-running samples covering ages thirteen to seventy-two found that, on average, attachment anxiety declined with age and avoidance decreased, and Amir Levine now describes attachment styles as malleable and able to differ with different people. No one can promise how or when change happens for a given person.
Not as a blanket rule. Insecurity can shift, so it can be more useful to ask whether you feel safe and respected, and whether you can both name the cycle and want to work on it. If a partner controls, threatens or hurts you, that is a safety issue rather than an attachment style: call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7), or call 911 if you are in immediate danger. Sheltersafe.ca can help you find shelters and help lines in Canada, and victim services can point people of any gender to support.
Book a free, no-pressure consultation. We'll talk about what you're going through and figure out together if we're the right fit.
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