Separation & Divorce Counselling

At a glance

Separation and divorce counselling online, at a glance. TEO Counselling provides separation and divorce counselling by video in British Columbia, Ontario, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Newfoundland and Labrador. It covers three situations: couples deciding whether to stay together or separate, couples or ex-partners working out how to separate and how to co-parent, and individuals coping after a separation or divorce. Joint sessions are with Mohamad Shabib, MACP, CCC, a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) with the CRPO in Ontario. He sees clients in all six provinces, in English or Arabic. In British Columbia, joint sessions are also available with Alison Shaji, MA Clinical Psychology, RCC (BCACC). Both have completed Level 1 and Level 2 Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Rola Shbib, BSW (Hons), RSW (Ontario), sees individuals, and her background is in grief, loss and crisis work. TEO is not a mediation or family-law service. Individual sessions are $150 and couples sessions $175, each 60 minutes, from 12:00 pm to 9:00 pm Pacific, seven days a week. No provincial health plan covers counselling in private practice. Every session comes with an insurance-ready receipt, and direct billing is available with Mohamad and Alison for Pacific Blue Cross and TELUS eClaims plans. The first step is a free 15-minute consultation by video or a scheduled phone call, with no referral needed.

What is separation and divorce counselling?

It is counselling for the emotional side of a relationship that is ending, or might be ending. It is for couples and for individuals. It does not make the decision for you, and it does not replace legal advice.

People usually come for one of three reasons:

• You are not sure whether to stay. One or both of you is thinking about separating, and you want to think it through with someone who does not take sides.
• You have decided to separate. You want to do it with less fighting, tell the children together, and keep talking well enough to co-parent.
• It has already happened. You are on your own now, and the grief, anger or fear is heavier than you expected.

Couples separation counselling means joint sessions for the two of you, as partners or as ex-partners. You can also come on your own, or each of you can come at different times. See what it costs below.

Should we separate? Counselling to help you decide

Maybe you have had the same fight for years. Maybe something happened, like an affair, and you do not know if you can get past it. Or maybe one of you has quietly checked out. "Should we separate?" is hard to answer from inside the relationship, because every talk about it turns into the old argument.

Counselling gives you a slower, calmer place to look at it. Your counsellor does not push you to stay, and does not push you to leave. The decision stays with the two of you. Sessions can help each of you say what you want and hear what the other wants. They can also help you both see the pattern that keeps you stuck.

In practice, that can mean:

• Looking at how the relationship got here, without a trial over who is to blame.
• Each of you saying where you stand, including "I am not sure."
• Working out what would have to change for staying to make sense, and whether that change is possible.
• Agreeing on what happens next, whether that is trying again or separating.

The first joint session. Your counsellor asks each of you, in turn, what brought you here and where you stand. You agree together on a few ground rules for the sessions, such as what happens if one of you needs a break. Nobody is blamed, and nothing has to be decided that day. Your counsellor may also suggest a session with each of you on your own.

When one of you wants out. It is common for one partner to be further along than the other. One of you may have already decided, while the other still hopes to try. That is worth saying out loud early. There is no set number of sessions for this, and how long to continue is reviewed with you as you go. If you both want to keep working on the relationship, our couples and marriage counselling page describes that work. The Gottman Method page explains when couples work is a good fit, and when it is not. If there has been an affair, our infidelity counselling page is written for that.

When couples counselling turns into separating. Sometimes, partway through couples counselling, it becomes clear that the relationship is ending. If that happens, the sessions can shift to working through the separation itself. You do not have to start again with someone new.

Separation counselling when you have decided

Once the decision is made, a lot has to happen at once. Where will each of you live? What do you tell family and friends? How do you talk to each other while you are both hurt? Joint sessions give you a set time to work through the hard conversations, with someone keeping things steady.

Couples who are separating often use sessions to:

• Agree on how you will talk to each other for now, including by text, and what is off limits.
• Plan what you will say to family, friends and the children, so you are telling the same story.
• Get through the weeks when you still live under one roof.
• Keep old arguments out of handovers and school events.
• Say what you need to say about the relationship, so it does not leak into every practical conversation.

The legal and money questions, such as the separation agreement, parenting time, support and property, belong with a family lawyer or a mediator. The section Counselling, not mediation or legal advice below lists where to start.

Some things often add strain during a separation:

• Using the children to pass messages.
• Making big decisions in the middle of a wave of anger or panic.
• Arguing in front of the children or at handovers.
• Posting about it online.
• Leaning on one friend or relative for everything.

None of this makes you a bad person. Separation is stressful, and stress narrows how anyone thinks. A counsellor can help you notice these moments and choose what to do instead.

Telling the children

For many parents, this is the conversation they dread most. Counselling can help the two of you plan it together: when to tell them, what words to use, and how to answer the questions that come later.

If it is safe for you both, tell them together. Keep the words simple and suited to each child's age. Make it clear that the separation is a decision the adults made, that it is not the children's fault, and that both parents will keep loving them. Expect the questions to come over weeks, not all at once.

These sessions are for the two of you as parents. We do not give advice on parenting time or where the children live.

In British Columbia, the province offers a free online course, Parenting After Separation. It takes about three hours and covers helping children through a separation and the decisions parents have to make. Other provinces have their own parenting programs.

Co-parenting counselling when you still clash

Separating does not end the job of being parents together. You still have to talk about school, money, holidays and a sick child in the middle of the night, often with someone you are still angry with.

Ex-partners can come to joint sessions to work on how they talk as parents. The focus is the two adults: keeping messages short and calm, handling a disagreement without it turning into the old fight, and keeping the children out of the conflict. Both of you have to want to come, and neither of you can be afraid of the other. If there has been violence, threats or control, joint sessions are not the right first step, and individual support and a specialist service come first.

Joint sessions do not produce a parenting plan, and your counsellor does not decide who is right. A written parenting plan or a decision on parenting time is work for a family lawyer, a mediator, or the family justice services in your province.

If only one of you wants help, you can still come on your own. Individual sessions can focus on staying calm with a difficult co-parent, holding boundaries, and not getting pulled back into the same argument.

If the other parent's behaviour feels controlling or frightening, not just difficult, read the safety note near the top of this page first. If there have been threats, stalking or fear for your safety, contact VictimLinkBC at 1-800-563-0808 (call or text, 24/7, BC). Outside BC, sheltersafe.ca lists a 24-hour line in every province. Our narcissistic abuse therapy page is about individual sessions when a co-parent or ex is manipulative.

Counselling after divorce: grief, anger and who you are now

Even when you chose to separate, the end of a marriage or long relationship is a loss. You may lose daily time with your children, a home, shared friends, a routine, and a picture of the future. People often hear that divorce comes in neat stages. In real life, feelings rarely arrive in order. Relief and grief can sit side by side. So can anger and missing the person. Many people expect to move on faster than they do, and then blame themselves for it.

Counselling after a separation or divorce often focuses on:

• Grief for the relationship and the life you had planned.
• Anger that keeps spilling into work, parenting or new relationships (see anger management).
• Loneliness, and the shock of a quiet house.
• Guilt, shame, or a sense that you failed.
• Working out who you are now and what you want next (see life transitions).
• Dating again, and the worry of repeating the same pattern.

For men. Some men find a separation hits harder than they expected, and feel there is no one they can talk to. Anger may be the feeling that shows, with grief underneath. If you would rather talk to a man, Mohamad sees clients in all six provinces, in English or Arabic. Our men's mental health page has more.

When it is more than sadness. If low mood, poor sleep or loss of interest go on for weeks, mention it at your consultation or see your doctor. See depression therapy for more. If you have thoughts of not wanting to be here, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.

If what you are carrying is mainly the grief of a breakup, our breakups and relationship loss page is written for that. Rola Shbib's background is in grief and loss, and our grief and loss page describes how she works.

Does counselling by video work when you are separating?

Some people picture counselling in a room and wonder whether a screen changes things. Here is how it works. Each of you joins from your own device, in a private spot. You can see your counsellor and each other. Your counsellor still sets the pace, makes sure each person gets to finish, and calls a pause when things heat up.

For people who are separating, video has some practical upsides:

• You can each join from your own home. No shared drive, no waiting room, and no running into each other in a parking lot.
• When the session ends, you are already in your own space.
• Evening and weekend appointments fit more easily around work and parenting.

It also asks something of you: a private place where no one can overhear, especially children. Headphones help. Sessions run on Jane's secure video, with Zoom or Google Meet as a backup. What to expect in online therapy walks through a first session.

If you would rather sit in a room with a counsellor, that is a fair preference, and a local practice may suit you better.

Counselling, not mediation or legal advice

TEO Counselling is not a mediation service and not a family-law service. We do not give legal, parenting-time or financial advice. Your counsellor will not tell you what you are entitled to, how long to stay separated, or when to file.

For a separation agreement, parenting arrangements, support or property, you need a family lawyer or a family mediator. Where to start:

• In British Columbia: the province's Family Justice Counsellors help separating families with parenting arrangements and support at no charge, including by phone or video. Legal Aid BC has free family law information, and free advice for people who qualify.
• In the other five provinces: search your provincial government's website for "family justice services" or "family law". Each province has information on separating and on getting legal help.

Counselling sits alongside that work. Some people book a session before a hard meeting with a lawyer or mediator, or just after one, to prepare or to talk it through.

Who you would see: named and registered

You can see who our counsellors are before you book. Each registration number below can be looked up on a public register. Who you see depends on where you live and what you need.

• Mohamad Shabib, MACP, CCC. Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCC #11249205, CCPA) and Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) with the CRPO in Ontario (#14298). Sees individuals and couples in all six provinces, in English or Arabic. Has completed Level 1 and Level 2 Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Meet Mohamad
• Alison Shaji, MA Clinical Psychology, RCC. Registered Clinical Counsellor with the BCACC (#22608). Sees individuals and couples in British Columbia only, in English, Hindi or Malayalam. Has completed Level 1 and Level 2 Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Meet Alison
• Rola Shbib, BSW (Hons), RSW (Ontario). Registered Social Worker (OCSWSSW #866715). Sees individuals, not couples, in all six provinces, in English. She holds an honours degree in thanatology, the study of death, dying and grief, and her background includes crisis intervention. Rola does not direct bill: you pay for each session and get an insurance-ready receipt to send to your plan. Meet Rola

What separation counselling costs

• Individual session: $150 for 60 minutes
• Couples or co-parent session: $175 for 60 minutes
• First consultation: free, 15 minutes, by video or a scheduled phone call
• Hours: 12:00 pm to 9:00 pm Pacific (3:00 pm to midnight Eastern), seven days a week

There is no package to buy. You book one session at a time, choose how many you need, and review it with your counsellor as you go.

No provincial health plan covers counselling in private practice. You get an insurance-ready receipt after every session. Direct billing is available with Mohamad and Alison for Pacific Blue Cross and TELUS eClaims plans, such as Canada Life and Manulife. Coverage depends on the credentials your plan recognizes, so check for CCC, RCC, RSW or Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). Whether a plan covers couples sessions also varies by insurer, so check your plan or ask us at your consultation. See fees and insurance and direct billing.

Looking for a free option? Our resources page lists free support lines and services by province.

How booking works

1. Book a free 15-minute consultation. Use the Book button to pick a time on Jane, our secure booking page. Jane asks you to create a free account. The consultation is by video or a scheduled phone call, with Mohamad or Rola.
2. Talk it through. Tell us what is going on, whether you want to come alone or together, and which province you live in. We will tell you honestly if we are a good fit, or if another kind of help would suit you better.
3. Find out who you will see. Joint sessions are with Mohamad or, in British Columbia, Alison. Individual sessions can be with any of the three, depending on your province and what you need.
4. Have your first session. You get a secure video link. If you are coming as a couple, you can each join from your own home.

Your partner or ex-partner does not have to be on the consultation. Prefer not to create an account? Text two times that suit you to (519) 760-5211, or use the short form at the bottom of this page, and we will book it for you. We usually reply within 24 hours.

Common questions

Related support at TEO:

Therapy is not a crisis service

• 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline — call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7)
• VictimLinkBC — 1-800-563-0808, call or text (BC, 24/7)
• Kids Help Phone (for young people) — 1-800-668-6868, or text CONNECT to 686868
• Hope for Wellness Help Line — 1-855-242-3310 (24/7)

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.