Rebuilding Trust Workbook

What this is

About the workbook

Repair after betrayal is not one conversation. It is a sequence, and doing it out of order tends to make things worse. This workbook lays out a structure for couples who have decided to try.

It does not tell you whether to stay. That decision is yours, and this is written to be useful either way.

What is in the pack

Twenty-one pages, cover included. After the cover it opens with How to Use This Workbook, then two education pages under the heading What Infidelity Does — Part 1 written for the hurt partner, Part 2 for the involved partner and the shame-defensiveness cycle it describes. Two further read-through pages follow: The Three Phases of Rebuilding, and How Trust Actually Returns.

The rest is working pages. Conversation Ground Rules. Questions That Help vs. Questions That Hurt, followed by a planning page called Choosing My Questions. The Full Accountability Apology and a drafting page for it. Transparency Agreements. Trigger Plan for Hard Moments. Understanding How We Got Here, and How We Got Here: Both Voices. Speaker and Listener. What Forgiveness Is — and Is Not. Our New Relationship Vision. A Weekly Rebuild Check-In. A sheet of Pocket Repair Cards. The pack closes on a Please Read page.

Two roles, two readers

The workbook uses two terms throughout: the hurt partner, meaning the one who was betrayed, and the involved partner, the one who had the affair. Some pages are addressed to one of you. Choosing My Questions is a planning page for the hurt partner. Drafting My Apology is a private working page for the involved partner. Both of you write in the rest.

Where a page holds both voices it says so on the page. How We Got Here: Both Voices asks each of you to fill in your own copy privately, then share it in a scheduled talk. The Weekly Rebuild Check-In gives each of you a column on the same sheet.

The order the pages assume

The instructions are explicit. Read the education pages first, separately if you prefer. Agree and sign the Conversation Ground Rules before the first hard conversation - the workbook's stated reason for that page is to keep talking about the affair from becoming a second injury. Then work through in order, at whatever pace you set — the workbook states there is no schedule and no prize for speed.

The order tracks the three phases it names. Phase 1, Honesty and Repair: contact with the affair partner ends in writing, honest answers to the questions the hurt partner chooses, the accountability apology, and the transparency scaffolding. Phase 2, Understanding and Reconnection. Phase 3, Renewed Commitment. Phase 2 has a gate in front of it — a four-item checklist covering the affair having fully ended and been confirmed in writing, transparency agreements in place and being kept, the apology given, and the acute waves no longer constant.

Read once, print again

The education pages are read-through. The worksheets are built to be reused, and several say so on the page. How We Got Here: Both Voices asks you to print two copies, one each. The Weekly Rebuild Check-In asks for a fresh copy each week. The Trigger Plan is meant to be kept somewhere you will both find it.

Two pages carry signature lines: the ground rules, and the Transparency Agreements, which are set for a monthly review at which each agreement is kept, loosened, or retired. The last worksheet is a sheet of six Pocket Repair Cards to cut along the dashed lines — three written for the hurt partner's wave moments, three for the involved partner's defensive ones — sized for a wallet, a phone case, or a desk drawer.

What the workbook says about itself

It describes itself as a psychoeducational self-help resource for couples, with exercises drawn from widely used, research-informed approaches to relationships and affair recovery. It states plainly that it is not couples therapy and does not replace it, and that using it creates no professional relationship with its creator.

It also carries a safety note, twice: it is not designed for relationships involving abuse, control, intimidation, or fear, and if you are afraid of your partner or honesty gets punished, safety comes before repair work.

On outcomes it is blunt. It states that no workbook and no therapist can promise a relationship will survive this, and it names separating with dignity as a legitimate ending rather than a failed one. The pages are written to be usable either way.

Who this is for, and who should wait

The workbook is for two people who have both decided to at least try to repair after an affair, and who can sign a set of ground rules before the first hard conversation. It uses the terms hurt partner and involved partner throughout, and some pages are private to one of you; both need to be willing to write. It is a poor fit for anyone deciding alone whether to stay — it is deliberately built to be usable either way, but it does not make that decision for you.

Bring it to a clinician first if the relationship involves fear, control, intimidation, or honesty that gets punished; the workbook itself says safety comes before repair. Bring it to a clinician too if discovery is days old and the waves are constant, if either partner is struggling with their own mental health, or if conversations flood, stall or circle every time — the workbook names that as the sign a third person is needed. It is educational material, not couples therapy, and no page in it assesses either of you or predicts what happens to the relationship.

How it fits with therapy at TEO

Affair recovery at TEO is done as couples work informed by the Gottman approach, which follows the same broad shape the workbook prints: honest answers and accountability first, understanding how the affair happened second, a renewed agreement last. Mohamad Shabib and Alison Shaji (British Columbia) are both Gottman-trained; the infidelity counselling page describes how the sessions run.

In session the structure the workbook puts on paper is held by a person: someone who can stop a question that hurts before it lands, keep the involved partner out of the defensiveness trap, and pace the hurt partner's questions so the answers do not become a second injury. Sessions are by video across British Columbia, Ontario, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland & Labrador, evenings and weekends included. A free 15-minute consultation comes first; couples sessions are $175 per 60-minute session. A signed set of ground rules from the workbook is a good thing to arrive with.

Related pages: Infidelity counselling · Gottman Method couples therapy.

Common questions

About using this workbook

This workbook is educational. It is not therapy, not an assessment, and nothing in it is a diagnosis. If you are in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7); 911 in an emergency. Kids Help Phone (for young people): 1-800-668-6868, or text CONNECT to 686868.

Download the PDF

If you want to go further

Working on this with someone

A workbook can take you a surprising distance on its own. If you would rather not do it alone, TEO offers virtual therapy in British Columbia, Ontario, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, and Newfoundland & Labrador — evenings and weekends, with a free 15-minute consultation first and no obligation afterward.

Related: Couples therapy.

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